Where I Stand

"I don't know if that's going to be able to work." I scratched my temple while looking down at the piece of paper.  I twirled the pen in my hand and looked back at Manny.. "I leave for Hawaii at the end of next week. I don't think I'll be able to do that."

"Right." Manny said. "I can call and see if they can push the interview up."

"Yeah. If they can push it up to...." I looked back down at my schedule for the up coming week. "Uhm. Preferably tomorrow then that'll be great. I can do the interview over the phone."

"Alright. So I'll call them. What else is a problem?"

"Can you call that family about me wanting to do that appearance? Just to kind of clarify things, like the time and everything."

Manny looked down at his phone. "When is that?"

"Tomorrow night. So could you get on that like....now." Nicki gave him a stern look.

"Alright. I'mma go get that interview and everything taken care of. If I can't get it pushed up do I need to cancel?"

"Nooo, no no. If you can't then get it pushed back. I can do it when I land. I just can't on that specific day."

"Gotcha." I looked over at Manny as he walked towards the door. "I'll call and let you know as soon as possible."

"Alright, bye."

"Peace."

 He shut the door behind him and I dropped the pen to the table. I need to wash this make-up off and change into something comfortable. I walked down to my room and to the bathroom. I'm just so tired and hungry. I washed my face and changed into a purple PINK! sweatsuit. I sighed as I laid down on my bed. I feel like nothing can cheer me up in this moment and I'm just tired. Not physically but mentally. I looked at my phone checking the time and looked over at the door. That's it. I clutched my phone and walked out of the room. We're gonna fic things whether he wants to talk to me or not. This isn't healthy for me.

I stepped up to SB's door and gently pushed it open. "Safaree." I walked in his room and looked around. "Faree!" I folded my arms and walked over to his bathroom. "SB!" Where the hell is he? I turned walking out of his room and made my way down to his second favorite place. The movie theater. I pushed the big ass heavy door open and still no SB.

"Where the fuck is Safaree?" I said under my breath while turning around and walking through the house. I walked down the steps and to the second floor. I stepped over to the island and pressed number 2 on speed dial. I tapped my nails on the island while the phone rang.

"Yeah?"

"Where are you?" There was a silence. "Safaree."

"The hill behind the house."

I gave a dead face. "I really have to walk all the way up there?"

"Nah, nobody asked you to..." he said bluntly.

I rolled my eyes. "I'll be up there. Bye." as soon as the rest of the word bye rolled off my tongue Safaree hung up the phone. I put my phone in the pocket of my hoodie and walked over to the kitchen counter. I grabbed a paper towel and walked over to the fridge. Pulling out a water bottle, I wrapped the paper towel around it quickly. I hate when my hands are cold and wet. I placed the bottle down on the island for a quick second and slid on my sunglasses.

I made it to the top of the hill and thanked God. Hopefully me and SB fix things so he can carry me back down. "Did you really have to sit on the ground, SB?" He didn't turn around and I rolled my eyes. And I'm the stubborn one...we both are. I dropped the water bottle to the ground and sat down beside SB. I looked out at the beautiful view and sighed. I see why SB comes up here all the time, it's so peaceful. I licked my lips and broke the silence.

"Can we talk?"

"Now you wanna talk?" He opened his water and took a sip still looking ahead.

"Safaree." I leaned up trying to get a look at his face but kept looking everywhere but at me. "This is exactly why. Look at us. We can't even freakin talk to each other, SB. How are we gonna continue like this? Seriously?"

His attention went back to his phone and he started typing something. I sighed seeing this conversation is going no fucking where. As soon as he finished typing I snatched his phone out of his hand.

"Nicki. Give it to me." He reached for the phone and I held it behind me. "Whatever. Keep it." Well...that was easy. He adjusted his hat and continued looking out a the view. The irony right now. We're up here looking at this gorgeous view and being ugly with all this arguing. I put his phone in my hoodie pocket with mine and rested my hands in my lap.

"Can I finish now?"

"I guess." he shrugged.

"Safaree, can you at least at like you fucking care?! It's like I'm damned if I do, I'm damned if I don't with you."

"It's funny you telling me to act like I care. Reaaaaaaaal funny." he nodded his head. I could really slap the shit outta SB right now but I'm trying to fix things. I really am.

"Safaree, please. I didn't come up here to keep arguing with you...can I speak?" he shrugged his shoulders and stayed looking out at the view.

"I'm sorry." I said. I looked down in my lap and crossed my legs. I rested my elbows on my legs and rested my face in my hands. "I-"

"Wait. Just let me ask this one question and then whatever. Imma let you finish. Why did you-"

"I wasn't thinking." I said knowing exactly what SB was talking about. "You know I act on emotion...I know, I know...even though that doesn't make it right, I always do." I messed with my sunglasses and licked my lips. "And I was mad at you.."

**After Nicki got off the phone with Lauren and Candi**

I closed the door shut behind me and walked over to my dresser. I crossed my arms and bit my bottom lip while staring at the ring SB bought me. It's bullshit. This ring symbolizes nothing. It did when he gave it to me but he doesn't give a damn now. He walks around the house ignoring me and having a fucking attitude as if I'm the only one doing something wrong here, so whatever. If he wants to be like this then fine. Two can play this game. I grabbed the ring and walked into my bathroom. I stepped over to the jacuzzi and turned it on. I really need to relax right now. I stared down at the ring in my hand. 

"So, I'm sorry. For everything because I realize I've been causing all these problems myself...and I realize this whole time I've been acting stubborn and selfish and all of that, just...." I sighed. "Everything." I waited for SB to say something but there was nothing. "Can you say something?"

"I mean, there's nothing to say."

"So you're still mad at me." It was more of a statement than a question.

"Never mad."

I looked up at him to try and read his face.

"I feel like you think I don't appreciate you and I take you for granted... that I do stuff to hurt you purposely but I don't, Faree." I sighed when he didn't say anything. "In my mind I'm doing everything right when really..."

"It's whatever."

"You're not telling me everything." I said knowing that there was something still on his mind. "Say it."

"Nah, cause you said you don't wanna argue."

"I'm not gonna get mad at you."

"You sure? Cause you say that all the time then we back to this."

"I promise."

"I don't want you to be hurt though by what imma say." He looked over at me and I tried to study his eyes. I've never seen this look before. There was so much going on and I wasn't sure if I really wanted to know.

"Say it." I said it and immediately regretted it knowing it must be something I don't wanna hear.

"I feel like I should just go back to doing what I was before all this." My heart sunk and suddenly my stomach tightened. "I know you said you appreciate all I do and whatever but.." he shook his head and licked his lips. "I feel like I'm just in the way and making shit stressful. You got more things to worry about... like the next show you gon sell out or something... you shouldn't have to be worried about me."

"Safaree. That's not it."

"You been all stressed lately and all we been doing is arguing. It don't even make sense for me to stick around. But I'm not-"

"THIS is why I'm stressed...'cause I know you're not happy. And I wish you would just talk to me but you won't. We're not the same bestfriends we used to be and I hate it."

"Yup." he nodded his head. "I know why though...took me a while to figure it out myself."

"And why is that."

"You know."

...He's right. I do. "We're so busy trying not to hurt our friendship and that's hurting our friendship."

"Uhn huh."

"I need to let go."

I felt SB looking down at me and I looked over at him really quick before looking back out at the sky. "Of everything. I just need to stop. I need to stop over thinking and just go with my heart. My first instinct. The way I tried to do things clearly wasn't working and took all of that for me to see it."

There was a comfortable silence for a while before SB spoke up.

"You wanna know one thing about you that irritates me?" he licked his lips and messed with his ear.

"Let it out."

"Only girl to ever have me in my feelings like this." he shook his head. "Crazy."

I smiled. It's true. SB used to be so disconnected when it came to dating. He only had to girlfriends before me and they were long relationships too, but he was never like this. He didn't care back then. He's really changed and grown up though and I love that.

"I hate it but whatever. Shit won't go away."

I playfully hit his arm. "Oh, so you don't wanna have feelings for me anymore. Huh?"

"Not at all."

I hit his arm again. "Shut up, you love me."

"That's the problem." he laughed. "Too much." he shook his head again and I smiled and wrapped my arms around his arm. I kissed his arm before I rested my head on his shoulder and looked out at the beautiful view in front of us.

"Why do you put up with me...and all of this...for so long."

"I have a promise to keep."

Nicki ran into SB's apartment and ran upstairs to his bedroom. "SB! SB!" she opened his bedroom door and saw him putting on his jacket.

"I was just about to come see you, wussup?" 

"I got the deal!"

"Huh?"

"Safaree. Little. Fucking. Wayne. Wants to sign ME!"

"Yo, you serious?" he said turning to look at her overjoyed expression while putting his keys in his sweatpants pocket.

"Safaree! Can you believe this? Ooooohhhh myyyyyyyyyyyy godddddddd." 

"Yo, that's craaaaaazy, yo. That's wussup, big dawg." He stepped over to Nicki and playfully hit like he was boxing. "When you sign the deal?"

"Right now! That's why I came over here, I need to talk to you."

"Yeah?"

"I'm only signing the deal on one condition."

"What's that?"

"Only if you promise to do this with me." Nicki grabbed his wrist and looked up at him. "You have to promise you'll stick with me through this because I know I can't do this alone, Faree. Will you, please?" 

"Promise."

Nicki squealed and hugged SB tight. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" 

"Nic."

"Yeah?"

"You're squeezing the life outta me." She released SB and pushed him. He nodded his head at Nicki and she knew what that meant. They did their handshake and Nicki laughed. "Aight Nic, let's go. You gotta deal to sign." He adjusted his hat and walked down the steps with Nicki following not so far behind. They stepped out his apartment and walked out of the house. 

"Yeah, niggas!" SB yelled when they got outside. "She's bout to be stuntin on you niggas and bitches!"

"Safaree, can you shut the hell up and get in the car right now?"

"So like I was tryna say just a minute ago, it might not make sense for me right now 'cause I'm too discombobulated." I laughed at him using that dumb ass big word. "But.." he shrugged. "I made a promise, you know I keep my word."

"So that's the only reason you've stuck around? No other reason?"

"I mean..there is ONE other reason, but...you know."

"I know, what?" he smacked his lips and I laughed. "Tell me about this other reason."

"It's a girl."

"Oooooooh, all this for a girl, huh? She seems special?"

"Very."

"Really?"

"Uhn huh."

"How long you guys been together?"

"Well, she's complicated. We're not together but we are."

"Oh, one of those relationships.

"Yeah."

"Do you guys argue alot?"

"Yeah, but we always fix it. She's good with clearing things up."

"Do you love her?"

"Yeah."

"Does she know?"

"She should by now."

"You should tell her, you know..."

He looked down at me and smiled causing a smile to appear on my face. "She hasn't heard it from you in a while. She told me you should tell her for reassurance."

"Word?"

I nodded.

"Aight." He looked out at the view before looking back down at me. "Tell Nicki, I love her."

My smile grew wide and I sat up straight. "She said she loves you too...and she wants a kiss." I puckered my  lips and leaned towards his face as he leaned in and kissed me.

"I love you." I said. I kissed his cheek and stared at him.

"So we cool now?" He said.

"You tell me."

"Yeah. We good." I felt him move around and I let go of his arm as he stood up. He grabbed my hands and stood me up too. I hit my hands over my butt making sure all the dirt was off. Can't afford to be getting my sweatsuits so dirty like this.

"Fareeeeeee." I pouted.

"Oh, here we go."

"Can you carry me down?"

"Sure."

My face lit up and I held my arms out to him.

"Get your water bottle though."

I bent down to pick up my water bottle and heard Safaree take off running. My jaw dropped and I stood up.

"I have your phone you jerk!"

I stood there with a pout on my face. He's such an asshole sometimes. He came running back up and grabbed me up carrying me back down the hill.