Pink Friday Records and OVO [pt 2]

We're standing on the side watching Drake's set and my feet are killing me. I really want to just lean into Safaree's body but for one, we're in public, and for two, I'm sure he doesn't want me to. I really wish Drake would just hurry up and get to Make Me Proud already so I can eat something and go pass out. OH LAWD   at Drake and this hand of his. The movement I tell you is something serious. I always picked on him about that but the nigga still does that vicious ass hand shake. I don't get it, what exactly is going on? Lol. Who knows. Once I was talking to Safaree about that and he said it's from Drake jerking off so much and I promise you I spit out my Snapple. Why he put Drizzy on front street like that?

I turned to look at Safaree right when he happened to be licking his lips. He's like my little LL Cool J, always licking them sexy ass lips. The feen that just came over my body when he did that was crazy. Anytime he licks his lips I lowkey get chills. I snap out of it when I see him turn his head towards me. I mouth the words "we need to talk later" before turning my attention back to the stage. I notice then that the song was Make Me Proud. Finally. I boost myself up and fix my face making my tiredness go away and step out onto the stage with my cute prissy walk.

"BuhBuhBuhBuh BAD I AM!" I hear the crowd roaring and my momentum just began to build. I love performing, something about it is so liberating. It lets me escape everything for however long I am on that stage. I continue walking back and forth rapping into the mic as I see Drake following right behind me. It's like we're playing tag or some shit when we are on stage. I try to keep the closeness to a minimum and act like I'm trying to be one with the crowd. Well that is true, I love walking back and forth on stage looking over all the people with their happy faces rapping along so it's not hard for me to be one with the crowd. But when I'm on stage with Drake it's more because I'm trying to get away. Don't get me wrong, I love Drake. Really. BUT. I just think his obsessive personality is a bit much for me. Wow at all these thoughts going on in my head. Shit about to make me mess up the lyrics and Lord knows the Barbz will get a kick out of that.
"He asked my sign... I said a Sag. IMMUH STAR, Sheriff badge! What's the point, if I'm guardin'? Double D up hoes, DOLLY PARTON!"


---


I toss the takeout box in to the trash can before plopping myself back down on the bed. I look up next to me staring at Safaree messing with his phone yet again. I bet he's making plans with Sean or the Vaks cause I know it ain't no hoe. Tuh. It better not be. I sit up in the bed adjusting myself before I toss a leg over Safaree's and straddle his lap. He finally took his eyes off his phone and looked up at me. I puckered my lips and silently praised God in my head when he leaned in and kissed me back. I really needed that. No sooner than our little peck was done he turned his attention back to his phone.

"Faree, can you please put your phone down?" I looked at him attempting my best sad face and it worked. He finished typing whatever it was that he was in the first place before he placed his phone on the nightstand and leaned back against the headboard.

"Hold me." I whined. I needed some affection and it's been so long because of everything that's been going on lately. I think in these past two months alone SB has left me 4 times. We keep having the same argument over and over and over, and every time I beg him not to leave because I need him he hits me with that same ending line. "We're just best friends, right? Whatchu need me for?" I hate hearing that. I really do. He is my best friend, but I also love him to death. I don't wanna label what we have because that would only make things more complicated...

Or maybe it's just me. I'm scared. I'm so scared. I love Safaree so much, it's ridiculously crazy. But I'm too scared to commit. He's ready. He's been ready. But my little scared ass who is so deeply afraid to let someone in and fully love me is still being a baby. I tell him I love him all the time but I don't think he fully believes it. He has to obviously to some degree because he always comes back. When I tell Safaree that I love him in an argument he always says to me, "your actions show differently." He's right but I would never let him know that. It's a shame that I'm still stuck in my ways.

"Nah Nic. I'm tired, it's been a really long couple of days. I just wanna get some sleep." I whimpered and fell into his chest.

"Please don't be like this."

"Be like what?" Is he serious right now? I sat up looking at him and folded my arms across my chest. "What was it that you wanted to talk about, Nicki?" He was clearly aggravated with me and I could care less at this point since I have a headache and I'm sexually frustrated.

"I wanted to talk about us." I said in a low voice. Just then I got scared because I have no idea where this conversation could head. It always takes a left turn. Smh.

"Oh." Safaree smacked his lips. At that very moment I wanted to slap him but my hands felt like they were paralyzed at the moment. He better be thankful. "This talk again?"

"Yeah, Safaree. This talk again." I dropped my arms from my chest and they fell on his legs. "If you don't wanna talk about this then that's fine. Whatever." I sternly placed my hands on SB's legs using them to move myself off of him and lay back down. I threw the covers back with force before getting comfortable under them and tossing them over me. My adrenaline rush was building because I really just wanted to talk it out. I really hate that I can go from 0 to 60 so quickly. I closed my eyes to try to hold back the tears that were burning at my eyes. I fucking hate this. Why is love and relationships so complicated? Why doesn't Safaree care anymore? That was the one thing that was about to make this sprinkle of tear drops a full out rain storm. Does Safaree even care anymore? I wonder if he is almost to the point in giving up on me. I don't even know how he made it this long dealing with me and my stubborn ways. I really just hope that isn't it. I hope- just then my thoughts were cut off by Safaree's voice.

"If we're gonna talk about this then let me speak first."

I got myself together and blinked almost a million times so that it wouldn't look like I was over here about to have a breakdown. I sat up in the bed against the headboard like SB and pull the covers up on my body more.

"Go." I said with a cracked voice.

"Look, Nic. You know I love you. I would do anything for you and you know this, put my life on the line and everything. That's how much I love you. Do you got that?" he stopped, putting me on the spot and looking my way. I looked up from my hands and looked at him through my watery eyes. I nodded but didn't say anything.

"But do you really know Nicki? Because I don't think you get it." He sighed and ran his hand over his face before he adjusted his hat. I directed my eyes back down to my hands that were gripping the covers keep them on me. I could tell that a million things were going through his mind at the time. Now that we're talking about this I really don't want to anymore. I'm scared where this will lead to. I just want him to hold me and kiss on my neck until I fall asleep. But nope, I just had to want to talk about this. You see how complicated I am?

"I don't think you understand how it feels to love someone like you."

"What is someone like me, Safaree?" I snapped. What was he meaning by that?

"See, here you go. Just listen to me."

“By someone like you I was talkin about the way you act, Nic. I know we’re not committed or whatever. Hell, I don’t know what we are. But the way you act with other guys makes me feel like I aint shit to you.  Like I’m just some lil bitch of yours and you only use me when you need me. You know how I am when it comes to you. I've never acted like this over anybody else. But you still act the same way and shit.”

Well damn. Don’t spare my feelings. Making me out to sound like I don’t care about him. He sighed again and leaned up a bit off the headboard to adjust his hat before leaning back against it. I just sat there quietly and looked down at the covers. I don’t know what to say to that. I really just want to pour out all my feelings to him so we could never have to have this talk again but every time I get the courage to tell him the words never come out. It’s crazy really. Safaree can tell me his feelings so easily and I know he means them. I just wish I could grow some fuckin balls and do the same. I understand by the way we have this little thing going on there’s no way this could end up good. Or maybe, who knows. But as of now I feel like I’m the one causing the most damage and strain on what we could be. Imagine. I’m the hold back out of this whole thing and I’ll be pissed at Safaree if he ever left me for good but it would all be because of my ways.

“Did you hear anything I said?” I looked up at him with my watery eyes and I nodded my head. He looked at me and the look of concern and love swooped over his face when he seen my eyes. I raised my hand to wipe my face when Safaree grabbed my elbow pulling me closer to him and into his side.

“I really love you, Nic. I’m IN love with you and I don’t think you get it. I think that’s the hardest part for me. Feeling like I’m in love with someone who doesn’t care.” He said while rubbing his hand up and down my arm.

“Faree, I do care.”  I tried to wipe away the tears that seemed to be pouring at non-stop now. Crying is too TOO easy for me nowadays. “I’m just so caught up in my ways that I don’t realize what I’m doing to you and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I can’t change overnight. Thanks for making me feel like shit.”

“I wasn't tryna make you feel like that. It’s not even that you need to change, you just need to realize when you’re hurting me. Coons have feelings too.” I smiled a little at that last part but the tears were still flowing. He reached his free hand up and wiped at my face. “Stop crying, bubzy.” There he goes making me smile again after he just made me cry. Gotta love him right? I remember the time he called me Bubzy on Ustream. I don't think any of the barbz really paid attention but it was the cutest, you could tell by the smile that was on my face. He leaned down and kissed my nose before I raised my head so he could kiss my lips. I wrapped my arm around his neck pulling myself into his lap. I really just want to fall asleep in his arms now.

"I love you."

"Love you too, Nicki."