Interlude [Safaree]

It's mad hot inside this house. I don't see how Nicki does this shit. I feel like I'm in the Devil's kitchen. She should never have to wonder why people never want to stay over here long. And it would be now that I can't find my mini fan too. Great. I looked around my room at all of Nicki's clothes on my floor. I don't know why she insist on getting dressed in my room. Doing too much. I bent down picking up my shirt that Nicki loves to wear. I've never even wore it cause she has the shirt 24/7. It's a dope shirt too. Red shirt with "Damn Gali" in black across the front. I tossed it on my bed knowing to give it back to her whenever she gets back. Talkin about she needs time away from me, smh.

I cleaned up around my room before heading to the living room to watch a movie.TED. Yeah, again. That's probably one of the funniest movies ever. I thought it was gonna be on some dumb shit since it's a talking teddy bear but I laugh through the whole movie. The simplest shit in the movie is hilarious. I should have been casted for it, to be honest. Would've been ever more ignorance. Luuuuuug.

Every time I try to relax, Nic pops up in my mind. I can't even believe something that little made her say that. She's been walking around here all day actin like nothing happened. She still wont speak to me though, as if I've done something wrong. Her attitude and stares towards me just make me not want to be in the same room as her. I shook my head tossing the remote on the couch beside me. This is crazy. Every time we take a step forward we get thrown 3 steps back.

 Maybe I overreacted last night but damn. I didn't think it would have led to that. To be honest, I don't even think it was that. I know what the problem is, and it's not me. It's Nicki. She's been running from us since we slipped up that one night back when and had sex. That was when everything changed. I get it, she doesn't want to hurt our friendship but damn. It's like she doesn't want to be happy. As soon as we even get to a point where we're happy she pushes me away.

I don't know how much longer I can take this shit. I feel like I'm trying for no reason. If she doesn't want us to work then I'm not trying anymore. I've had it. We been back and forth with this for four years. She keeps throwing my feelings off like they don't mean shit to her. So I'm done. Starting now, deadass. I'll still be here for her like a friend but that's it. I need to put my foot down. I sighed and shook my head leaning it back on the couch and put my hat covering my face. I've let Nicki take control of too much shit. It's time I separate myself from Nicki and do more for myself. Starting now everything is about to change.

But I know Nicki is not gonna take this easy. As soon as she realize I'm done with this she's only gonna put more anger towards me. That's the hard part. I don't want it to be like this. If Nicki wasn't so damn difficult everything would be cool. I felt my phone vibrating and ignored it. It's nobody but the Vaks and I don't feel like hearing them tryna convince me to go get drunk and fuck some random hoes. I huffed. Fuck this shit. I took the hat off my face and placed it on my head. I got up from the couch turning the TV off. I'll just get drunk here by myself til I get tired and fall asleep. I need to get this shit off my mind.

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And here I'm trying to sum up what's going on with Nicki, how she feels and what's kind of going on in her mind....

I wish that somebody would bring me a compass, or even a map just something to distract me from the fact that I'm lost. I got caught up in the world-wind of experimentation and I don't mean sexual relations, or physical stimulation limitations, I got lost by love. And I found a good one, a really good guy but when you're stuck in a negative mind-state you feel like happiness is a lie, and you wait for someone to do you wrong, cuz you've never been done right. So you put on your scariest mask, pull out your ugliest words, stab deep wounds with your sharpest attitude and wait for someone to abandon you just like you assume you deserve. See I grew up making the assumption that you date to break up, no such thing as a permanent make up, you marry to divorce, make rules just to enforce and you forget that love is about loving somebody, not picking them apart. Not fighting, but love. And I waited years for Safaree to mess up, I ran from the truth cuz it wasn't enough. I wanted lies. I wanted to be fooled so that I could move forward and not worry about being lied to or fooled anymore. I spat hate, he swallowed pride. I cooked pain, he threw up lies. I kicked him out, he came inside. I walked away, he walked beside. I called him out, he never denied a thing. He continued to be patient and I hated it. I would yell anytime that he left the house with hopes of driving him so crazy he would approach another girl with the same lips that kissed me goodbye. I would get an attitude whenever he would tell me how much he loved me in hopes that he wouldn't love me anymore, and I would finally be free... What's free about nobody being there to defend you when you're called out your name, and now that I've grown up being free just isn't the same. When you come across a good man, don't scare him, don't share him, and when you're given the truth, don't pray for a lie....