Too Little, Too Late???

I yanked my key out of the door pushing it open. I'm so ready to just cuddle up in my bed and get to sleep. My face dropped as I looked straight passed the living room and into the kitchen. What the fuck is this mess? I shut the door behind me and dropped my keys in the bowl on the dresser against the wall. I sat my purse down as I pushed my hair out of my face and licked my lips trying to calm my now agitation.

I walked over towards the kitchen and shook my head.

"Why does Safaree do this?" I spoke out loud. My hand went to clean up the mess when I stopped. Safaree can clean this shit up. I turned and walked down the hallway and made a left down the hall. His door was slightly opened and I pushed it back to see nothing but his ass spread out on his bed, fully dressed and everything, knocked out. I leaned up against his doorway and stared down at him.

I was pissed but more so hurt. I wish he would stop trying to drink his problems...or...our problems away. He promised me he would stop drinking and I come home to big ass empty bottles of vodka everywhere. Half of me wants to wake Safaree up, slap the shit out of him, tell him to clean up his bullshit mess and drill him for this shit. But it's only going to cause more tension between us and I don't even feel like being bothered with his stupid ass.

I turned off his light and slammed his door shut knowing it wouldn't bother him a bit. I walked straight down the hall towards my room while taking off my jacket. I was getting irritated more and more and it's not even that serious. I walked into my room and tossed my jacket into my cute little pink chair in the corner of my room. The littlest shit with Safaree ever since last night has been pissing me off. I don't even know if I'm mad at him or more mad at myself. I wish I could just get away from everything and everyone for just a week. I need to be at peace. I need to get my mind right.

I sat on my bed and sighed while taking off my heels. I closed my eyes and threw my head back, rolling my neck in a circular motion. I hurried up my process of getting undressed and hopped in the shower before I headed to bed.


Nicki walked down the hall of the hospital looking side to side at the doors trying to find what room Safaree was in. She turned down the hall and found it, first door on the right. She pushed her purse up on her shoulder more and slowly pushed the door open walking in. She looked over at Safaree and smiled when he smiled. He got up out of the chair and walked over to Nicki embracing her in a hug. When he released her from the hug, Nicki walked around the hospital bed and hugged Tracy, giving each other a kiss on the cheek. 

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m good.” Tracy said with a smile as SB now sat beside her holding her hand.

“Where’s the baby?”

“Down in the nursery, I can take you down there.”

Nicki gave a slight smile and nodded. She watched as Safaree stood up and kissed Tracy on the forehead.

“I’ll be right back.”

“Safaree, I’ll be fine.” She said with a slight laugh. “It was nice to see you, Nicki”

“Nice to see you too, babe. Congratulations, again.” Nicki said with a smile as she followed behind Safaree as they made their way out of the room. Nicki silently shut the door behind her and sped up a little to be side by side with SB.

“My bad. I know it’s early but I wanted you to come see the baby.” He said looking at Nicki as she continued looking straight ahead.

“Of course.” Nicki smiled and looked at Safaree for a quick second before she continued looking straight ahead not wanting to talk much.

See. When Safaree put his foot down on his relationship with Nicki, shit changed. A lot. He was no longer interested in trying to make things work with her because she was being so difficult. When that happened, Nicki put more anger towards SB than even he predicted. He knew she would be mad but he didn’t know Nicki would just completely cut him off. So their friendship was dead for a while, but Safaree wasn’t having that. He put effort into making their friendship still existent regardless of their personal feelings. It was hard for him because Nicki had so much anger towards him. It took almost a year for them to even get back to talking to each other and their friendship still isn’t how it used to be. 

Needless to say, Safaree moved on, meeting Tracy. At first, Tracy wasn’t too fond of Nicki and the feeling was definitely mutual. Their relationship was so difficult in the beginning because she knew he was in love with Nicki.  Nicki didn’t like the fact that Safaree found someone else, and Tracy couldn’t stand the fact that Safaree was in love someone else. It was so clear. That caused a strain on their relationship before Nicki actually stepped in. She didn’t want SB to unhappy even if it meant for her to be unhappy. So she stepped in and fixed the damage. She met up with Tracy one night and they sat and talked about Nicki and Safaree's "relationship."  She explained to Tracy that though they have feelings for each other, there's nothing between them. She didn't want SB to be worried about Tracy because Tracy was worried about her. 

When Nicki found out they were getting married, her heart sank. I mean, obviously he found someone else but when she found out that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her she was crushed. It was too late. She couldn't go back and change things, it was already too late. She still remembers her conversation with SB before he actually proposed to Tracy.

****
"I won't do it, Nic. All you have to do is promise me that you'll work with me on us and I won't. I still want to make us work." he stared at Nicki with welled up tears in her eyes.

It was hard to say what Nicki wanted. She was still in love with SB. Her feelings had never went away for him and they never will. She had just recently met someone and developing strong feelings for them as well. It was just too much for her to handle, too much for both of them to be honest. Nothing ever happened how things should have when it came to them. 

Nicki wiped at a tear and shook her head no. "You'll be better of with someone who's not so damaged. Tracy can be better for you than I can." Nicki grabbed her purse and turned walking out of  Safaree's apartment.
****

 It was difficult for Safaree. He was genuinely in love with both of them, all he wanted was for Nicki to try with him, but no. Safaree was upset that Nicki didn't attend his wedding. He knew what was going on in her mind but he wanted her there. He needed her there. It just so happened that she started her tour on the day of his wedding. Everything changed. They were not longer that inseparable pair anymore. They lived two completely different lives now.

"This way." Safaree put his hand on her lower back and lead her to the left. They made their way over to the nursery and stood looking through the glass at Safaree's baby. 

"She's beautiful." Nicki said with a genuine smile. SB nodded his head and smirked. "What's her name?"

"Nicole. Nicole Rae Samuels... Nicki for short." Nicki's smile was slowly fading as she turned her head towards Safaree. 


"Faree, you sh-"

"Nic, it's fine."

"That's not a problem for Tracy?"

"No, and if it was she would have to deal." Safaree lightly chuckled while Nicki still looked uneasy with the situation. "Me and Tracy wouldn't even still be together if it wasn't for you."

"I don't want you guys to feel like you owe me, I-"

"Nicki, stop." he caught her hand that began moving frantically and held it in his. "We need to get back to us, Nic. Really, I don't like this distance.. This wall you have up. So." he licked his lips like he always did out of habit. "Hopefully this will bring us back together." he let go of her hand and turned facing forward staring down at Nicole's little body moving a little while she was still sleep. 

"I miss you." Nicki said while looking straight ahead and down at the baby. "I really do. If I could go back and change things I would, Safaree. I wanna be there for you guys, I'm going to make sure I make time for little Nicki." Nicki gave a slight laugh with a heart-filled smile. 

"Good... because me and Tracy want you as the god-mom." Safaree turned his body towards Nicki and leaned up against the window seal. 

"Of course I will." Nicki said with the smile still plastered on her face as the baby continued moving around a bit. Nicki stared at the baby's little hands that would open before balling into a fist again. Nicki felt her phone vibrate and she pulled it out of her jacket pocket. She looked over the screen to her phone and sighed. She put her phone back in her pocket and stood up straight leaning off the window seal.

"I have to go." Nicki said as she pushed her purse up on her shoulder more.

"You want me to walk you down?"

Nicki shook her head no. "I'll be fine."

"You sure?"

"Safaree, you don't have to be so protective over me still." 

"That's forever." he said with a slight laugh. He extended his arms and Nicki walked in, accepting his hug. 

"Faree, it's cold." Nicki leaned out of the hug. "Nothing's changed." she shook her head. "Why do you still wear so many chains?" 

"I'll be icey forever. Belee dat."

"Oooooookay." Nicki patted him on the chest with a laugh. "I'll talk to you later?"

"Yeah. You bout to catch a flight?" 

"Mhm." 

"Call me when you land."

"Okay."

Safaree shook his head.

"What?"

"I'm serious. Let me know when you land."

"I was serious, SB."

"Yeah." SB adjusted his hat. 

"I will call you Mr. Overprotective." Nicki looked down at her phone. "I gotta go. Love you, SB." Nicki turned to walk off and looked back at him as while still walking ahead. "Tell my little Nicki I love her too." Nicki said flashing her flawless smile. 

"We love you too." He flashed a quick smile back at her and she turned her head back around to watch where she was going. "Have a safe flight, Nic." she waved her hand in the air without turning around as he watched her walk through the doors and stepped on to the elevator. 


I'm tired of having all these dreams lately. If their not about my past with SB it's about my future with SB. I just want to not having to think about this for atleast a couple of hours and I can't even get away from this in my sleep. I rolled off my side to where I was laying flat on my stomach. I adjusted my pillow and rested my head on it. I can't imagine me letting SB go like that. That dream was too much. Everything felt so awkward and like we haven't talked in years. I never want it to get that far. Ugh. I'm tired and starting to feel a headache coming on. I just want to get in bed and lay next to him so he can hold me, but. I shook my head and pulled the covers up on my body, hoping to get back to a peaceful sleep.

------

"Stupid."

"Candi!"

"What? She is."

"Wow. Seriously? Wow."

"I'm just saying. You so damn complicated."

"How come every time something goes wrong y'all barking at me?"

"Cuz YOU the problem."

"I will gladly hang up on y'all bitches."

"Look. See, Lauren. This is exactly what I'm talking about. Everyone else is the problem but Nicki. Nicki never does anything wrong."

"I hate being on the phone with you guys."

"Girl, stop calling us."

"Candi, get off the phone. I'm going to just start calling Lauren from now on."

"That's fine but when nothing gets resolved because you know Lauren ain't gonna give you constructive criticism, don't call me."

"Bitch, yes I will."

"Oh, we have a backbone now?"

"Can we stay focused?" I spoke up before they could get started. They're worse than me and Candi.

"Look. You did this to yourself."

"No I didn't, Candi! He just flipped on me for no reason, all I was doing was talking to a fan."

"And you JUST told us the real reason behind why you did. Because he was talking to a girl. Two wrongs don't make a right Nicki."

"And two rights make a left. What's your point? I did nothing wrong, he shouldn't be such a baby about situations like this. He should get over it by now."

"That's your problem." Lauren finally said. I rolled my eyes and bit into the chocolate chip cookie that I know damn well I shouldn't be eating. I pulled out the chair at the table and sat down with box of cookies and my water.

"And what problem is that exactly."

"You're-"

"SELFISH!" Candi blurted out before Lauren could finish. I'm selfish? The irony seeing as their not sparing my feelings at all right now.

"I'm not selfish. I care about him."

"Which explains why you find a reason to push him away or go off on him any chance you get. Right."

"No I don't!" I almost yelled. Talking to them is pointless, they never see my side of things. I'm not trying to hurt him...I finished chewing the cookie and grabbed another rolling my eyes as Lauren began to speak up,

"You do. We're trying to be fair with you Nicki but you're not being fair with yourself. You're going to regret it if he actually moves on."

"What if I move on before he does?"

"Yeah right. If you can't even allow yourself to love SB, who is everything you should want seeing as of who you are and HOW you are...tuh. There's not way you're going to be with someone else."

"Your ass needs to just be with Safaree." Lauren said.

I rolled my eyes. Their always worried about Safaree and how he feels, yet they suppose to be MY best friends. I bit into the cookie before placing down it down on the napkin. I held the phone to put it between my ear and shoulder. I listened to them continuously go in on me while I opened my water and took a sip. I placed it back on the table and grabbed the phone when I moved my shoulder back down.

"I wish you guys would understand. I'm trying to save me and SB's friendship. I know you guys' nosy asses have seen how we've been with each other in the past 3 months. It's not healthy, and I don't want to risk losing him."

"Can you come up with a better excuse? I'm tired of this same one."

"It's not an excuse Candice." I gave the most blank stare as if she was there to see my face. "I'm serious."

"Girl. I'M serious, listen here. You don't listen to me and Lauren so-well wait. You don't listen to me cause Lauren don't tell you SHIT! So. Until you can figure out what's going on between you and SB, and by that I mean until y'all get together. Don't call me about this mess 'cause you stress me out."

I went to speak but snapped my head in the direction of the door when SB walked in. Candi and Lauren became inaudible as I watched him take his coat off and drop his keys in the bowl against the wall. He placed his phone in his back pocket and walked straight to the back room not even acknowledging my presence. I rolled my eyes instantly becoming annoyed and dropped the cookie down to the napkin.

"Hellloooooooo....?!?!?!?" Lauren and Candi said at the same time.

"What?"

"Okay, what just happened?" Lauren said.

"He just walked in didn't he?"

"Mmmmmmhhhhmmmmm." I looked down staring at my nails.

"Go talk to him."

"No."

"See, we can't help you if you don't want to help yourself. I don't know about Lauren but I gotta go. Remember what I said too. Don't call me til y'all got things figured out. Bye."

"Uh!" Nicki said out reflex on how quick Candi hung up the phone.

"Yeah, actually. I have someone's make-up I need to do, so I gotta go."

"Whose make-up, Lauren?" There was a silence. I rolled my eyes "Liar."

"I love you, work things out with him!" she said before she quickly hung up the phone. I rolled my eyes again and dropped my phone on the table. Getting up from the table, I grabbed the container of cookies and put then back in the pantry. I grabbed my half empty water bottle and placed it on the door in the refrigerator. I picked up my phone and turned down the hall heading to my room. As I turn the corner I pass SB. Not even  looking in my direction or speaking to me. If he wants to be a baby about this then two can play that game! I walked into my room annoyed at anything and everything. I shut the door behind me and plopped down on my bed. I'll just use the emotions to write.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Uhm, I don't know what the hell is going on with blogger but it's not letting me post over on Beautiful Love :/ I'll be surprised if this even posts'. But as soon as blogger will allow me to post over there I will. PROMISE! xx SN: I appreciate those few of you who actually comment as well. I love the feedback.